Let’s cut to the chase. You’ve seen the hack. You’ve watched the TikTok. You’ve stood in the pharmacy aisle, looking between the $100 retinol serum and the $8 tube of Preparation H, and thought… “Could the secret to smooth skin really be in the swampy depths of the ‘anal care’ section?”
The short, slightly horrifying answer is: Kind of, but absolutely not, and please stop.
Let’s break down this biochemical comedy of errors, shall we?
Why People Think It Works (The Great Deception)
Hemorrhoid cream contains a fun little ingredient called phenylephrine. It’s a vasoconstrictor. In simple terms, it makes blood vessels go “SQUEEZE!” like they’ve just seen their credit card bill.
On your butt, this reduces swelling. On your face, this temporary clamp-down can:
- Make under-eye puffiness retreat in panic for about 2-4 hours.
- Create a fleeting, eerie tightness that feels like youth.
- Do absolutely nothing to actually improve your skin’s structure, collagen, or long-term health.
It’s the skincare equivalent of putting a piece of tape over your “Check Engine” light. The problem isn’t fixed; you just can’t see the warning signal for a hot minute.
The Active Ingredients: A Rogues’ Gallery
Here’s who you’re actually inviting to your face party:
- Phenylephrine (The “False Prophet”): The star of the show. It gives you that temporary “lift” by strangling your capillaries. The effect vanishes faster than your dignity when you have to explain your skincare routine to a dermatologist.
- Hydrocortisone (The “Trojan Horse”): Ah, the plot twist. Many formulas contain this mild steroid to reduce inflammation. Sounds good? IT’S A TRAP. Used chronically on your delicate face skin, it’s a one-way ticket to Skin Thinning Ville. Long-term result? Thinner, more fragile skin that actually shows more wrinkles and broken capillaries. Congratulations, you played yourself.
- Other Guests (Lidocaine, Pramoxine): Numbing agents. So if you do irritate the hell out of your face, at least you won’t feel it immediately. How thoughtful!
The Risks: Or, “How to F*ck Up Your Face Efficiently”
- The “Why Is My Skin Like Tissue Paper?” Effect: Thanks, hydrocortisone! Chronic use can lead to atrophy. Your face skin will rival the delicacy of a ancient scroll.
- The “Do You Want Glaucoma? Because This Is How You Get Glaucoma” Scenario: Putting vasoconstrictors right next to your eyeballs is… a choice. It can mess with ocular pressure. Just a fun, potential blindness risk with your DIY eye cream!
- The “Chemical Burn & Rash Extravaganza”: Your facial skin is not your butt skin (a fact that should not need stating). It’s more sensitive. Irritation, rashes, and dermatitis are waiting in the wings.
The Final, Unfunny Verdict
Using hemorrhoid cream on your face is like using a sledgehammer to hang a picture frame. Yeah, the frame might be on the wall, but the wall is now a pile of rubble.
You are trading a short-term optical illusion for real, long-term skin damage. You are smearing a product formulated for the literal end of your digestive tract onto the centerpiece of your entire human expression.
What to Use Instead (The Grown-Up Section)
If you want actual, proven, non-hilarious results:
- For Puffiness: Try a caffeine serum.
- For Wrinkles: Retinoids/retinol (the gold standard), peptides, or vitamin C.
- For Hydration & Barrier Health: Hyaluronic acid, ceramides, and a good goddamn moisturizer.
- For Everything: SUNSCREEN. Every day. Without fail.
Bottom Line (Pun Regretted But Intentional): Your face is a temple. Stop anointing it with products designed for the temple’s sewer system. The only thing that should be “tightened” here is your grip on reality.
Now go wash your hands, and maybe your entire life choices. We’re rooting for you.
The Anorectal-Aesthetic Paradox: A Critical Analysis of Perianal Pharmacotherapeutics in Cosmetic Dermatology
A Dissertation Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Dermatological Satire and Iatrogenic Absurdity
By: I.M. Kidding, M.Sc.
Department of Unorthodox Topical Applications
University of Scholarly Levity
Advisor: Professor Bea T. Red, M.D., Ph.D. (Holder of the Distinguished Chair in Keeping a Straight Face)
ABSTRACT
This groundbreaking dissertation explores the burgeoning, if fundamentally misguided, consumer trend of repurposing α-adrenergic agonist and corticosteroid-based anorectal preparations (colloquially, “butt cream”) for facial cosmesis. Through a methodological framework combining systematic face-palming, retrospective analysis of TikTok-induced societal regression, and controlled trials of incredulity, we interrogate the “Phenylephrine Paradox”: the temporary visual improvement of rhytides (wrinkles) at the potential cost of periorbital atrophy, ocular hypertension, and one’s dignity. We posit that while the vasoconstrictive properties of phenylephrine (0.25%) may induce transient epidermoidal tautness, its juxtaposition with hydrocortisone (the “Wrinkle-Whisperer That Thins Your Skin Into Oblivion”) creates a biological farce. Ultimately, this work concludes that the only thing truly “lifted” by this practice is the eyebrow of any board-certified dermatologist within a ten-mile radius. The dissertation recommends reclassifying these products with the warning: “For External Use Only. And by ‘External,’ we mean ONE VERY SPECIFIC EXTERNAL AREA. NOT YOUR FACE.”
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION – FROM HEMORRHOIDS TO HERO CREAM?
1.1 The Perineal Pilgrimage to Youth
The human quest for eternal youth has traversed from the Fountain of Youth to botulinum toxin injections, arriving now, perplexingly, at the pharmacy’s most awkward aisle. This research was catalyzed by a simple, horrifying question: “What if the secret to smooth skin has been nestled between the Preparation H and the adult diapers all along?” We explore the socio-cultural journey of a product designed to soothe swollen vascular cushions in the anal canal to its rebranding as an “under-eye miracle” by beauty influencers who apparently ran out of actual skincare to review.
1.2 Statement of the Problem (And It Is A Problem)
Can pharmacologic agents intended for the retraction and deswelling of hemorrhoidal tissue—a physiological context far removed from the zygomatic arch—effectively and safely mitigate the appearance of facial rhytides? More pressingly, why are we asking this? What series of poor life decisions leads one to ponder, “This works on my butt, so it should work on my face?” This dissertation seeks to answer both the pharmacological and existential queries.
1.3 Hypotheses
- Primary Hypothesis: Application of hemorrhoidal cream to the face will result in a statistically significant increase in “Temporary Tightness” and a simultaneous, equally significant increase in “Regret Upon Explaining Your Routine to Your Dermatologist.”
- Secondary Hypothesis: The active ingredient phenylephrine will constrict facial capillaries so effectively that the user’s blush of embarrassment will be physically impossible to manifest.
- Tertiary Hypothesis (The “Kim Kardashian Corollary”): Any beauty trend, no matter how physiologically unsound, will achieve viral status if mentioned by a celebrity with a sufficiently large social media following.
CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW – A DEEP DIVE INTO SHALLOW SCIENCE
2.1 Historical Precedent: The “Live Yeast-Cell Derivative” Era of Wishful Thinking
The mythos originates not with modern phenylephrine, but with the now-defunct “live yeast-cell derivative” (LYCD) in 1990s Preparation H. Cited for wound healing, it was extrapolated—with the reckless abandon of a toddler with a marker—to mean “wrinkle healing.” The FDA’s removal of LYCD for lack of efficacy in its intended use did little to dampen its aesthetic legend, proving that beauty myths are harder to kill than a horror movie villain.
2.2 The Vasoconstriction Vaudeville Act
Phenylephrine, an α1-adrenergic agonist, is the star of this ill-advised show. Its mechanism is elegantly simple: it makes blood vessels go “squee!” (Kidding et al., Journal of Obvious Pharmacology, 2023). In the periorbital region, this may reduce erythema and fluid-related puffiness for 2-4 hours, creating the illusion of tautness. It does not, however, stimulate collagen, improve elastin, or perform a musical number. It is a biological parlor trick.
2.3 The Corticosteroid Comedy of Errors
Many formulations contain hydrocortisone, a low-potency corticosteroid celebrated for reducing inflammation and, with chronic use, for thinning the epidermis like a well-worn sheet of phyllo dough (McThinSkin, Derm. Tragicomedy Rev., 2021). The tragicomic irony is profound: a user seeks to plump and smooth but instead applies an agent that, over time, promotes atrophy, telangiectasia (visible capillaries), and a complexion best described as “permanently surprised.”
2.4 The Ocular Side-Splitter: Glaucoma as an Unfunny Punchline
Topical phenylephrine is a known agent affecting intraocular pressure. Applying a vasoconstrictor millimeters from the globe is akin to using a hairdryer to defog your glasses: it might work, but you risk damaging something very important. This dissertation frames the TikTok trend as a potential public health experiment in “DIY Ophthalmologic Sabotage.”
2.5 The “Butt Paste” vs. “Face Paste” Dialectic
A critical analysis of internet forums reveals a fascinating consumer taxonomy: “Hemorrhoid cream” is for wrinkles, while “diaper rash cream” (zinc oxide-based) is for acne. This represents a stunning collective decision to map pediatric and geriatric gastrointestinal adjacent products onto the facial landscape, creating a skincare routine that smells vaguely of a pediatrician’s office.
CHAPTER 3: METHODOLOGY – HOW WE STUDIED THE SILLINESS
3.1 Study Design: The “Double-Blind, Red-Faced” Trial
Participants (n=25, ethically procured from a “Skincare Confessions” Facebook group) were randomized into three groups:
- Group A (Intervention): Applied a leading phenylephrine/hydrocortisone cream to the periorbital area nightly.
- Group B (Control): Applied a validated retinoid cream.
- Group C (Placebo/Sanity Check): Applied a high-quality, inert moisturizer while being read dermatology textbook passages.
3.2 Measurement Instruments
- The “Taut-O-Meter 3000”: A proprietary device that measures subjective feelings of tightness on a scale of “Meh” to “I Can’t Smile.”
- High-Definition Wrinkle Imaging: Used to capture both rhytides and the newly formed “confusion furrow” between subjects’ brows.
- The Dermatologist Gasp Scale (DGS): A standardized audio recording of a board-certified dermatologist’s reaction when shown a subject’s regimen, calibrated from “a slight sigh” to “a full, sustained facepalm.”
3.3 Statistical Analysis
Data were analyzed using SPSS (Silly Product Statistical Software). Primary outcomes were compared using the ANOVA (Analysis of Nonsensical Vanity Applications) test. Significance was set at p < 0.05, or “when the absurdity becomes statistically unavoidable.”
CHAPTER 4: RESULTS – THE DATA ARE IN, AND THEY’RE LAUGHING AT US
4.1 Quantitative Findings
- Temporary Tightness: Group A reported a 450% higher immediate “tautness” score than Groups B or C (p < 0.001). This effect reliably vanished before breakfast.
- Long-Term Improvement: After 12 weeks, Group B (retinoid) showed a 40% reduction in wrinkle depth by imaging. Group A showed a 5% increase in fine lines, concomitant with mild erythema and scaling (the “Corticosteroid Crinkle”).
- The DGS Score: The mean Dermatologist Gasp Scale reading for Group A’s regimen was 8.7/10 (“Audible, Anguished Groan”). One subject’s protocol elicited a perfect 10 (“Immediate Reach for the Prescription Pad and a Soothing Tone”).
4.2 Qualitative Themes from Subject Interviews
- Theme 1: The Bargain Bin Mirage: “It’s so cheap compared to La Mer!”
- Theme 2: The Logic Leap: “If it shrinks swelling there, why not here?”
- Theme 3: The Regret Horizon: “My under-eyes look… thinner. And kind of shiny. Is that good?”
CHAPTER 5: DISCUSSION – CONNECTING THE DOTS (WHICH ARE PROBABLY WRINKLES)
5.1 The Core Fallacy: Equating “Less Puffy” with “More Youthful”
The trend conflates two distinct phenomena: reducing acute edema (which hemorrhoid cream can do) and reversing intrinsic aging (which it cannot). It’s the equivalent of using a fire hose to put out a birthday candle and declaring oneself a firefighter.
5.2 The Satire Writes Itself: A Product’s Journey
We chart the life cycle of the product:
- Marketing Intent: “Soothes the painful, itchy distress of hemorrhoids.”
- Consumer Reinterpretation: “Smooths the painful, itchy distress of crow’s feet.”
- Biological Reality: “Provides transient vasoconstriction while potentially compromising the dermal matrix. Also, you put butt cream on your face.”
5.3 Recommendations for a Saner Future
- For Consumers: If you desire vasoconstriction, try caffeine serums. If you desire anti-inflammatory action, try niacinamide. If you desire a product for your posterior, please limit its use to your posterior.
- ** For Regulatory Bodies:** Consider mandating labels with large, friendly text: “YOUR FACE DESERVES BETTER. ALSO, THIS HAS HYDROCORTISONE IN IT.”
- For Academia: This dissertation serves as a cautionary tale and a comedic goldmine. Further research should investigate the psychological phenomenon of “Desperation Dermatology.”
CHAPTER 6: CONCLUSION – THE FINAL, UPTIGHT WORD
In conclusion, the application of hemorrhoid cream to the face is a biomedically valid method to achieve exactly one thing: a temporary, superficial, pharmacologically-induced tightening of the skin that carries risks wholly disproportionate to its cosmetic benefit. It is the skincare equivalent of using a sledgehammer to hang a picture: the picture might be flush with the wall, but the wall is now destroyed.
The pursuit of youth often bypasses the rational mind. This dissertation has demonstrated, with rigorous academic satire, that while phenylephrine may temporarily smooth a wrinkle, it cannot smooth over the profound irrationality of using a product formulated for the anal verge on the human visage. The true “miracle” is that this trend ever needed to be studied at the doctoral level.
Future Research Directions: We propose investigating the potential of other misplaced products: Could calamine lotion double as a highlighter? Might cough syrup impart a glossy lip finish? The aisle of misguided applications is long, and our work has only just begun.
REFERENCES (A Sampling of the Absurdly Real)
- Idriss, S. (2023). “Please Stop Putting That On Your Face: A Dermatologist’s Plea on TikTok.” Journal of Viral Desperation.
- Kardashian, K. (2015). “A Secret in My Bag (It’s Probably Not What You Think, But It’s Also Weird).” Unpublished autobiography excerpt.
- Preparation H Marketing Team. (Circa 1998). “We Really Meant For This To Go The Other Way.” Internal Memo, Lost to Time.
- The Entire Beauty Internet. (2020-Present). “Collective Suspension of Common Sense.” Digital Repository of Poor Decisions.
- Kidding, I.M. (2024). “My Professor Better Give Me an ‘A’ For This.” Unpublished dissertation prayer.
APPENDIX A: Photographic evidence of the “Confusion Furrow” in study participants.
APPENDIX B: Transcripts of the highest-scoring Dermatologist Gasp Scale reactions.
APPENDIX C: A formal apology to the field of dermatology for having to read this.
