Honest reviews of things nobody asked for
I used to be a normal person. I had an apartment. I had a girlfriend named Lisa. I owned a vegetable peeler and knew where it was. Then, on a Tuesday in January, I tried to buy a s...
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I used to be a normal person. I had an apartment. I had a girlfriend named Lisa. I owned a vegetable peeler and knew where it was. Then, on a Tuesday in January, I tried to buy a s...
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I want to be very clear about something: I did not start this war. The war started when I tried to buy a single banana at 9:47 PM on a Tuesday and a self-checkout machine decided I...
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I went to the grocery store on a Tuesday. I needed one banana. One. A single yellow curved fruit. The kind of transaction that should take forty-five seconds and involve zero emoti...
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Three months ago I was a normal person with a job, a 401(k), and a healthy relationship with sunlight. Today I live in a cave in rural Kentucky. I have not seen the sun in 47 days....
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We've all heard the myth: if you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyeballs will pop out of your skull and roll across the floor like a pair of bouncy balls from a vending machine. ...
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I know I'm out of milk. I'm the one who drank it. I was there. I was the one who poured the last of it into my coffee this morning and said "shit, I need to buy milk." I don't need...
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I AM THE ITEM. I AM IN THE BAGGING AREA. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. THIS IS MY HELL.
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I bought an IKEA bookshelf. It was $49. It came in a flat box that was somehow both too big to fit in my car and too small to contain the amount of suffering I was about to experie...
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Let me set the scene. I paid $847 for one night at a hotel that calls itself "luxury." The lobby had a chandelier the size of a Honda Civic. A guy named Sebastian handed me a warm ...
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It was 2 AM. I was hungry. The only place open was a gas station. And there, in a refrigerated display case that was slightly warmer than it should have been — warm enough that the...
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Let me ask you a question: have you ever, in your entire life, looked at a banana sitting on your counter and thought, "You know what this banana needs? A dedicated piece of plasti...
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I am a brave journalist. A pioneer. A man willing to ask the hard questions that nobody else will ask, like "what the fuck is wrong with the people who decided a toaster needs WiFi...
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I have a question for the engineers at Dyson, Excel Dryer, and every other company that manufactures public bathroom hand dryers: have you ever actually used a bathroom? Like, a re...
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