By Philbeth Satire, Professional Overthinker and Part-Time Meme Connoisseur

BREAKING: SCIENTISTS WASTE 437 PAGES TO PROVE WHAT MY GRANDMA KNEW IN 1972

Let me start with a confession: I once tried to convince a giraffe to swim. It was at the zoo. I yelled, “DUDE, IT’S FINE, THE WATER’S NICE!” while pointing at the 2-inch-deep moat surrounding its enclosure. The giraffe stared at me like I’d suggested it audition for The Bachelor as a “mature, emotionally available candidate.”

Turns out, science has finally confirmed what every rational human already knew: giraffes can’t swim. Not because they’re lazy (though have you seen their napping schedules?), but because their bodies are basically a “How Not to Design a Swimmer” infographic from 1997.

**WHY SCIENCE WENT FULL JURASSIC PARK ON A 19-FOOT TALL MAMMAL**

In a stunning display of “we have too much funding and not enough common sense,” researchers at the Institute of Totally Not Making This Up used computational models (read: giraffe-shaped Sims characters) to prove that giraffes would “struggle to keep their heads above water.”

Key Findings from the Study (Abridged for People Who Hate Math):

Giraffes sink like your dating prospects after you mention you “collect vintage ketchup packets.”
Their necks go sub-horizontal in water, which is a fancy way of saying “they’d look like a confused garden hose trying to do the worm.”
They have 13.5% more wetted surface area than horses, which is apparently a problem unless you’re into aerodynamic humiliation.
Their density is 960 gm/l, which is “so close to drowning” it’s basically the aquatic equivalent of showing up to a wedding in sweatpants.

The researchers concluded that giraffes would technically float in water deeper than 2.8 meters. But floating ≠ swimming. Floating is what you do when you’ve given up on life but still want to look graceful. Swimming is for people who don’t want to accidentally inhale water while trying to look cool.

**“BUT PHILBETH, WHAT IF A GIRAFFE WANTED TO SWIM?”**

Ah, hypothetical reader who definitely didn’t just Google “giraffe swimming” during their lunch break! Let’s explore this critical scenario:

You: “Giraffe, the river’s 3 feet deep. Go on, take the plunge!”
Giraffe: “I’d rather not.”
You: “But science says you can!”
Giraffe: “Science also says my neck will be horizontal, making me look like a periscope that lost a bet. I have standards.”

Giraffes avoid water deeper than 2.8 meters for the same reason you avoid your ex’s wedding: dignity. They’ve evolved to walk around rivers like, “Nah, I’m good. I’ll just take the scenic route through 47 miles of savannah. My knees can handle it.”

A FIELD INTERVIEW WITH A REAL-LIFE GIRAFFE (SORT OF)

To get authentic insight, I tracked down Gerald, a giraffe at the San Diego Zoo. (Disclaimer: Gerald doesn’t speak English, but I spoke giraffe in 7th grade, so I’m basically Dr. Dolittle.)

Philbeth: “Gerald, why don’t you swim?”
Gerald: [Stares silently]
Philbeth: “Is it because your density is 960 gm/l?”
Gerald: [Stares silently, then chews a leaf with extra judgment]
Philbeth: “Or is it the 13.5% more wetted surface area?”
Gerald: [Turns away slowly, as if to say, “I’d rather die than explain this to you.”]

Moral of the story: Giraffes are too polite to say, “You’re an idiot,” so they just ignore you until you leave.

WHY THIS MATTERS (SPOILER: IT DOESN’T, BUT LET’S PRETEND)

This research is vital for several reasons:

Conservation efforts: Now we know to build giraffes shallow drinking holes. Because nothing says “wildlife protection” like a 19-foot-tall mammal sipping from a kiddie pool.
Marine architecture: If giraffes could swim, they’d dominate synchronized swimming. Their long necks would make perfect water fountains. “Look, kids! It’s the Eiffel Tower, but wetter!”
Your love life: If you tell a date you’re “as buoyant as a giraffe in water,” they’ll either 1) run, 2) laugh so hard they spill their drink, or 3) ask if you’ve been doing too much research on giraffes. All winning outcomes.

A PERSONAL CONFESSION (AND WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TELL YOUR GIRAFFE)

Last Tuesday, I tried to teach my dog to swim. He panicked, inhaled half the lake, and now he’s terrified of puddles. So I get it—water is traumatic. But at least my dog didn’t have to worry about his 18-foot neck throwing off his entire hydrodynamic balance.

Moral of the story: Don’t make giraffes swim. They’ll either drown, look ridiculous, or give you the silent treatment for the rest of your life. And trust me, nothing is scarier than a 2,000-pound mammal ignoring you because you suggested they try water aerobics.

FINAL THOUGHTS (AND WHY YOU’RE STILL READING THIS)

Giraffes can’t swim. They float like a sad pool noodle and move like a toddler on roller skates. But they’re okay with that. They’ve got acacia trees to munch, naps to take, and zero interest in proving anything to scientists with too much time on their hands.

So next time you see a giraffe at the zoo, don’t yell, “SWIM, YOU BEAUTIFUL BEAST!” Instead, whisper: “I see you. I respect you. And I, too, avoid water deeper than 2.8 meters.”

They’ll appreciate it. Probably. Maybe. Who knows—they’re giraffes. They don’t owe us answers.

P.S.

If you’re still reading this, congrats! You’ve officially wasted 3 minutes of your life on giraffe hydrodynamics. For your reward, here’s a fact: Zebras can swim. So go ask them about it. They’ll probably just stare at you too.

P.P.S.

If you found this post helpful, please share it with someone who’s ever Googled “can [animal] swim?” (Looking at you, Karen from Accounting.)

LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, AND DON’T MAKE GIRAFFES SWIM

DOCTORS OF PHILOSOPHY IN BOVINE AQUATIC DYNAMICS

THESIS SUBMITTED TO THE INSTITUTE OF TOTALLY SERIOUS ZOOLOGY

BY DR. REGINALD P. FINCHINGTON III, ESQ.

A Comprehensive Investigation into the Aquatic Propensity of Giraffa camelopardalis:

Or, Why the World’s Tallest Land Mammal Has Never Gotten Its Hooves Wet

ABSTRACT

This groundbreaking dissertation presents the first rigorous scientific analysis of the question that has perplexed zoologists since the dawn of time: can giraffes swim? Through 437 pages of painstaking research, 17,000 lines of MATLAB code, and one particularly traumatic encounter with a disgruntled zebra, we have conclusively determined that giraffes are, in fact, not designed for aquatic activities. The findings suggest that a giraffe attempting to swim would resemble nothing so much as “a slightly anxious, vertically-challenged, four-legged sailboat made of toothpicks and regret.” This research has profound implications for both the giraffe conservation community and the field of marine architecture.

DEDICATION

To my mother, who always said I’d amount to something; my thesis advisor, Dr. Barnaby P. Wifflebottom, who taught me that “just because something is ridiculous doesn’t mean it isn’t scientific”; and to the countless giraffes who might have drowned had I not prevented them from getting near water.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to express my deepest gratitude to the following individuals and institutions:

The Royal Tyrrell Museum of Palaeontology, for providing the computational models and not laughing too loudly when I asked if giraffes could swim
The National Science Foundation, for funding this project under grant #NSF-000000-000-0000 (Research on Utterly Obvious Phenomena)
My lab partner, Dr. Reginald P. Finchington IV (my pet hamster), for his invaluable insights and constant wheel-running commentary
The editors of the Journal of Theoretical Biology, for publishing our paper despite it containing the phrase “giraffe would struggle to keep its head clear of the water surface”
My cat, for providing a model of elegant movement that I could never hope to achieve

INTRODUCTION: The Great Giraffe Aquatic Controversy ……………………….. 1

1.1 A Historical Survey of Giraffe Aquatic Speculation ……………….. 2
1.2 The Great “Giraffes Sink Like Stones” Debate of 1923 ……………. 5
1.3 Why This Research Matters (Hint: It Doesn’t) ………………….. 7

LITERATURE REVIEW: What We Know About Giraffes That Can’t Swim ……. 10

2.1 The “They Can’t Possibly Swim” Camp …………………………. 12
2.2 The “They Probably Could If They Really Wanted To” Camp ……….. 15
2.3 The “Why Are We Even Talking About This?” Camp ……………….. 18

METHODOLOGY: How to Determine If Something Can Swim Without Actually
Making It Swim (Because That Would Be Mean) ………………………… 22

3.1 Computational Modeling of Giraffe Buoyancy ………………….. 23
3.2 The “Giraffe in a Tub” Simulation (That Was Actually a Horse) ….. 27
3.3 The “Let’s Ask the Giraffes” Approach (Spoiler: They Didn’t Answer) 30

RESULTS: What Happens When You Put a Giraffe in Water (Theoretically) … 33

4.1 The Neck Posture Conundrum ……………………………….. 34
4.2 The “I’m Not Drowning, I’m Just Reading the Water” Phenomenon …. 37
4.3 Why 13.5% More Wetted Surface Area Matters (It Doesn’t) ……… 40

DISCUSSION: The Giraffe’s Dilemma – Too Tall for Water, Too Short for
the Moon ……………………………………………………….. 43

5.1 The Evolutionary Irony of the World’s Tallest Land Mammal …….. 44
5.2 How Giraffes Explain Their Avoidance of Water to Their Children .. 47
5.3 Implications for Giraffe Dating (It’s Complicated) ………….. 50

CONCLUSION: The Final Word on Giraffes and Water (Until Someone Else
Wastes Time on This) ……………………………………………. 53
REFERENCES: Books That Don’t Exist But Should …………………….. 56
APPENDICES: Unpublished Data That Proves Nothing ………………….. 60

1. INTRODUCTION: THE GREAT GIRAFFE AQUATIC CONTROVERSY

The question of whether giraffes can swim has haunted the scientific community since the dawn of time (or at least since 1834, when Warren Gould tried to ship a giraffe from Calcutta to New York and it died before it could be tested). For centuries, the scientific community has been divided into two camps: those who believe giraffes “sink like stones” (Henderson & Naish, 2010), and those who believe giraffes “probably could if they tried harder” (unpublished opinion of the author’s second cousin twice removed).

This dissertation represents the culmination of years of research that could have been solved with a simple Google search, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, we have deployed advanced computational models, spent sleepless nights running MATLAB simulations, and conducted extensive field research that primarily involved watching giraffes walk around water rather than in water.

The significance of this research cannot be overstated. Understanding giraffe aquatic capabilities has implications for conservation efforts, ecosystem management, and most importantly, the creation of more accurate giraffe-themed water parks. Previous researchers have noted that giraffes “would perform poorly compared to other mammals and are hence likely to avoid swimming if possible” (Henderson & Naish, 2010, p. 157). This dissertation expands upon that groundbreaking insight with, well, more words.

2. LITERATURE REVIEW: WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT GIRAFFES THAT CAN’T SWIM

2.1 The “They Can’t Possibly Swim” Camp

This camp, consisting primarily of people with common sense and basic physics knowledge, has long maintained that giraffes cannot swim. Their arguments center on the giraffe’s unfortunate combination of high body density (960 gm/l, perilously close to the negative buoyancy threshold of 1000 gm/l), an absurdly long neck that would need to be held horizontally in water (which would be terrible for breathing), and legs that have higher rotational inertia than those of more water-friendly mammals.

The crowning achievement of this camp is the 2010 computational analysis by Henderson and Naish, which demonstrated that a giraffe in water would resemble “a confused giraffe in water” (p. 155). This study, which involved creating a three-dimensional model of a giraffe and a horse (for comparison), showed that the giraffe would struggle to keep its head above water, would have difficulty coordinating limb movements, and would likely develop an immediate aversion to water deeper than 2.8 meters.

2.2 The “They Probably Could If They Really Wanted To” Camp

This camp, consisting primarily of individuals who have never seen a giraffe and are unfamiliar with basic physics, argues that giraffes “must be able to swim because all mammals can swim.” This argument falls apart when you consider that whales, which are mammals, don’t exactly “swim” in the traditional sense, but rather “float and occasionally move” in ways that would make even a giraffe look coordinated.

Proponents of this view often cite the rare photographs of giraffes wading in shallow water as “evidence that they can swim.” However, wading in knee-deep water is to swimming what standing near a swimming pool is to being an Olympic diver—technically related, but not really the same thing.

2.3 The “Why Are We Even Talking About This?” Camp

This camp, which includes the author at 2 AM after reviewing the 17th paper on giraffe buoyancy, questions the fundamental purpose of this research. Why are we spending taxpayer money determining whether a land animal can swim when there are so many more pressing questions, like whether my cat is judging me?

Despite this skepticism, this camp has made significant contributions to the field by highlighting the importance of focusing on questions that actually matter. Unfortunately, those researchers have all left academia to pursue more meaningful careers, like professional dog walkers.

3. METHODOLOGY: HOW TO DETERMINE IF SOMETHING CAN SWIM WITHOUT ACTUALLY MAKING IT SWIM

3.1 Computational Modeling of Giraffe Buoyancy

The core of our research involved creating a sophisticated three-dimensional computational model of a giraffe, which we then “placed” in virtual water. This approach, while completely ethical (no giraffes were harmed in the making of this model), had one significant drawback: it required us to estimate the density of various giraffe body parts, which we did by comparing them to horse parts because “horses seem more reasonable.”

The model revealed that a full-sized adult giraffe would become buoyant in water deeper than 2.8 meters. However, “buoyant” in this context means “able to float while looking extremely uncomfortable and possibly drowning.” The giraffe would adopt a posture where its neck is sub-horizontal, which would make it difficult to breathe while also preventing it from seeing where it’s going. This is the aquatic equivalent of trying to walk while holding a yoga pose.

3.2 The “Giraffe in a Tub” Simulation (That Was Actually a Horse)

In an effort to validate our computational model, we conducted an experiment where we placed a horse in a tub of water. This was not a giraffe, obviously, but it was the closest thing we could get to a giraffe that would actually cooperate with the experiment.

The horse, displaying what can only be described as “equine reluctance,” floated in the tub with its neck at a comfortable angle and its legs moving in a coordinated fashion. This contrasted sharply with our giraffe model, which would have required us to build a tub 18 feet tall just to accommodate its neck. The horse, being significantly shorter, was much more cooperative, though it did express its disapproval through a series of increasingly loud snorts.

3.3 The “Let’s Ask the Giraffes” Approach

In the interest of thoroughness, we attempted to ask giraffes directly about their swimming abilities. This approach, while scientifically dubious, had the advantage of being conducted at a nearby zoo where the giraffes were conveniently located.

The results were inconclusive. The giraffes responded to our queries with a series of long, judgmental stares followed by what we can only interpret as “I would rather not discuss this topic.” One particularly expressive giraffe turned its back on us entirely, which we interpreted as a strong “no” to the swimming question.

4. RESULTS: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT A GIRAFFE IN WATER (THEORETICALLY)

4.1 The Neck Posture Conundrum

The most significant finding of our research is that a giraffe in water would be forced into a posture where its neck is sub-horizontal. This would create several problems:

Breathing: With the neck horizontal, the giraffe would have to lift its head upward at an uncomfortable angle to breathe, which would make it difficult to maintain a stable position in the water.
Vision: The giraffe’s eyes are positioned to look downward when its neck is extended, meaning it would have difficulty seeing where it’s going while swimming.
Dignity: Let’s face it, a giraffe with its neck horizontal looks ridiculous. No self-respecting giraffe would willingly subject itself to such indignity.

This posture would also increase the giraffe’s wetted surface area by 13.5% compared to a horse, which would make swimming motions more strenuous. While 13.5% might not seem like much, it’s the difference between “I’m swimming” and “I’m drowning and this is embarrassing.”

4.2 The “I’m Not Drowning, I’m Just Reading the Water” Phenomenon

Our computational model revealed that a swimming giraffe would be unable to move its neck and limbs synchronously as it does on land. This means that while a giraffe on land moves with the grace of a ballerina (if that ballerina were 18 feet tall and had a neck like a periscope), in water it would move with the coordination of a toddler trying to ride a unicycle while juggling.

This lack of coordination would make effective swimming nearly impossible. The giraffe would likely end up with its front legs moving in one direction while its neck and back legs move in another, resulting in a sort of “aquatic figure-eight” motion that would get it nowhere fast. This is why giraffes have evolved to avoid water deeper than 2.8 meters—they’ve realized that it’s less embarrassing to just walk around the water.

4.3 Why 13.5% More Wetted Surface Area Matters (It Doesn’t)

The 13.5% increase in wetted surface area compared to horses might seem trivial, but in the world of aquatic locomotion, it’s significant. To put it in perspective:

1% more wetted surface area = “I’m swimming a little slower”
5% more wetted surface area = “This is getting tiring”
13.5% more wetted surface area = “I’ve made a terrible mistake and I want to go home”

This increased surface area would create more drag, making it harder for the giraffe to move through the water. Combined with the giraffe’s high body density (960 gm/l, compared to the horse’s 930 gm/l), this would make swimming extremely strenuous. The giraffe would have to work significantly harder than other mammals to make the same progress, which is why it’s unlikely to attempt swimming unless absolutely necessary.

5. DISCUSSION: THE GIRAFFE’S DILEMMA

5.1 The Evolutionary Irony of the World’s Tallest Land Mammal

The giraffe’s inability to swim presents an interesting evolutionary puzzle. How did the world’s tallest land mammal evolve without developing the ability to cross bodies of water? The answer, it seems, is simple: giraffes didn’t need to.

Giraffes have evolved to inhabit environments where deep water is rare. They prefer to stay within 7.5 kilometers of rivers (Burgess et al., 2022), but they don’t actually enter the deep water—they just stand near it and look thoughtful. This behavior suggests that giraffes have developed a sophisticated understanding of their own limitations and have chosen to avoid situations where they might have to swim.

This evolutionary strategy has served them well, as it has prevented countless giraffes from drowning in the pursuit of a drink of water. It’s also why giraffes are so good at avoiding water—they’ve had millions of years of practice.

5.2 How Giraffes Explain Their Avoidance of Water to Their Children

Based on our observations of giraffe behavior, we’ve developed a likely scenario for how adult giraffes explain their avoidance of water to their young:

Adult Giraffe: “Son, there’s something you need to know about water. It’s… complicated.”
Juvenile Giraffe: “But I see zebras and antelopes crossing the river all the time!”
Adult Giraffe: “Yes, but they’re different. They have… horizontal necks. And shorter legs. And they don’t care about looking dignified.”
Juvenile Giraffe: “So we just walk around the river?”
Adult Giraffe: “Exactly. It’s called ‘strategic circumnavigation.’ It’s very sophisticated. Much more dignified than splashing around like those undignified zebras.”

This explanation, while not verifiable (since giraffes don’t actually speak English), is consistent with the observed behavior of giraffes, which is to walk around water rather than through it.

5.3 Implications for Giraffe Dating

The giraffe’s inability to swim has significant implications for giraffe dating. In the wild, giraffes often use water sources as meeting places, but our research suggests that this is less about romance and more about strategic positioning.

When a male giraffe approaches a female near a water source, he is likely thinking: “I hope she doesn’t ask me to cross the river. I’ll look so stupid trying to swim, and then she’ll mate with that show-off zebra who can actually cross the river without looking ridiculous.”

This creates a complex social dynamic where giraffes must find ways to express interest without having to demonstrate their inability to swim. The most successful giraffes have likely developed sophisticated courtship rituals that involve standing near water but never actually getting their hooves wet.

6. CONCLUSION: THE FINAL WORD ON GIRAFFES AND WATER

In conclusion, giraffes cannot swim. They would float in water deeper than 2.8 meters, but they would do so in an awkward, unstable posture with their necks held horizontally, making it difficult to breathe and see where they’re going. Their high body density (960 gm/l), increased wetted surface area (13.5% more than horses), and inability to coordinate neck and limb movements would make swimming extremely difficult.

The absence of documented observations of giraffes swimming in the wild, despite extensive research, further supports the conclusion that giraffes avoid deep water. This behavioral avoidance is likely an adaptive strategy that has evolved to prevent drowning and maintain dignity.

This research has important implications for giraffe conservation. Conservationists should ensure that giraffes have access to water sources that they can safely approach without having to enter deep water. This may involve creating shallow drinking areas or bridges that allow giraffes to cross rivers without having to swim.

In closing, I would like to reiterate that this research was absolutely necessary and not at all a waste of time. The knowledge gained from this study will undoubtedly contribute to our understanding of giraffe behavior and help prevent future attempts to make giraffes swim. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my cat why we can’t test whether it can swim.

7. REFERENCES: BOOKS THAT DON’T EXIST BUT SHOULD

Barnes, G. (2023). The Giraffe’s Guide to Avoiding Water: A Survival Manual. Academic Press.

Finchington, R. P. (2022). I Told You So: A Retrospective on Obvious Scientific Conclusions. Journal of Things We All Knew.

Giraffology Society. (2021). The Official Giraffe Handbook: What to Do When You Can’t Swim. Giraffe Publishing.

Henderson, D., & Naish, D. (2010). Predicting the buoyancy, equilibrium and potential swimming ability of giraffes by computational analysis. Journal of Theoretical Biology, 265(2), 151-159.

Water, N. (2020). Why I Don’t Like Giraffes: A Personal Account. Hydrological Press.

8. APPENDICES: UNPUBLISHED DATA THAT PROVES NOTHING

Appendix A: The “Giraffe in a Tub” Experiment (The Horse Version)

[Image: A horse standing in a small tub of water, looking unimpressed]

Appendix B: The “Let’s Ask the Giraffes” Approach (Transcript)

Researcher: “Do you ever swim?”
Giraffe: Stares blankly
Researcher: “No, really, I’m serious. Do you ever get in the water?”
Giraffe: Turns away slowly
Researcher: “I see. Well, thank you for your time.”

Appendix C: The “Giraffe Swimming” Simulation (Screenshot)

[Image: A computer model of a giraffe in water with the caption: “This is not how you want to spend your Tuesday”]

GIRAFFES CAN’T SWIM? SCIENCE FINALLY SOLVES THE CRISIS THAT WASN’T A PROBLEM (AND WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TELL YOUR GIRAFFE)